Candid
by Potterworm
Summary: After Lorelai finds out about April, she goes home to figure things out and ends up thinking about her past and all the things Luke doesn't know about her. set during 6x12, Just Like Gwen and Gavin


**Disclaimer: **Lorelai, Rory, Luke, and all other recognizable _Gilmore Girls_ characters belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino, Dorothy Parker Drank Here Productions, and the WB. No infringement is intended.

**Summary: **After Lorelai finds out about April, she goes home to figure things out and ends up thinking about her past and all the things Luke doesn't know about her. (set during 6x12, Just Like Gwen and Gavin)

**Beta: **So far, this isn't betaed, though I do plan on having someone look it over. Anyone interested?

**For: **Mag1 for the Support Stacie April Author Auction. Thanks for bidding on me.

**Candid**

…

"_It's posed. Staged. Get another and make it candid." _

_- Paris (6x12, Just Like Gwen and Gavin)_

…

**.denial.**

The pressure of the relationship has always been there. So Lorelai guesses she can't blame Luke for messing up, though knowing he had a daughter for two months and not mentioning it is a pretty big version of a mess up.

It's almost too big to be considered a mess up. A mess up is like the time Rory spilt juice on the new dress Lorelai had spent three months saving money for, so Rory would look like a proper little girl of society for Richard and Emily's annual Christmas party. After the debacle the year before, when Emily commented on Rory's jumper, Lorelai had been ready to do anything to avoid another lecture, an _honestly, Lorelai, how can you dress your daughter so commonly for this occasion? _lecture.

Lorelai had been eighteen and felt all alone, and she had just wanted to have a peaceful Christmas for once. So, Rory spilling juice on the new dress, not ten minutes before they were going to leave was a "mess up."

Luke not telling Lorelai about his daughter for two months - and let's be honest, Lorelai thinks, he hadn't really told her today either - that's more than a mess up.

Lorelai is pacing through her house, and she's so angry and furious, but she's not really sure who she's mad at - because she knows it's not Luke.

She's kept things from him before, important things. Really, she realizes, they barely know each other at all.

She knew the moment she walked away from Luke, telling him something about needing to be alone, why he had kept April from her. He had been afraid, afraid that the whole thing was a dream. He had met his daughter and realized that he wasn't alone in the world, but he _was, _because even though April was his daughter, he wasn't her father yet. Not really.

Lorelai's been there before, but she knows Luke doesn't understand that. She knows that all he thinks about her past is that she ran away from home, like a spoiled child, because she couldn't get along with her parents. He thinks she came to Stars Hollow and got lucky and grew up a hell of a lot.

He doesn't know the fear she felt. She had run from home with little more on her mind than Rory. She had been saving money since the moment the strip had turned pink, not knowing exactly where she would go, but that anywhere would be better than here. (She had known, even in that bathroom stall with the pregnancy test in her hands, that she wouldn't stay with Chris or her parents or that life for long.)

She had been living in the potting shed for a week or so, when the nightmares started. In the middle of the night, she would awake, shaking with the knowledge of what could've gone wrong.

She hadn't planned on Stars Hollow; she could've ended up in a different town, a town without a Mia and a home that needed someone to fill an empty space. She could've ended up on the streets, starving. Rory could've been taken away from her.

Rory could have _died. _

Lorelai lived those first few years in that potting shed, trying to keep up the fairytale babble and the smiley face, when all the while, she was terrified that she would blink and this perfect accident that had happened to her would fade away.

Her attempts at denial were the only reason she didn't go insane, so really, Lorelai can't fault Luke now. Because she knows he probably thought about the world he had fading away too. About waking up to find out that April wasn't his daughter, that he wasn't her father, that this beautiful, intelligent girl had no ties to him. He probably dreamed that Lorelai would break up with him, rather than have to deal with his long-lost daughter. He probably thought that if he just denied the problem, he could live in this fairytale world for just a moment longer.

Lorelai knows the denial probably didn't work for him all the time. He probably woke in the middle of the night, worrying about April. He probably thought about Lorelai happening upon April all the time, like she ended up doing.

Lorelai knows all about denial. She knows it never works for long.

**.anger.**

Lorelai's exhausted by the time she stops pacing through her house and makes her way upstairs. She may have lied to herself when she told herself she wasn't angry with Luke, but anger is irrational, and she knows that she'll get over it.

She's never been able to be angry with Luke for long. Her biggest fight with him, the _"Go to hell" _the night Jess crashed Rory's car had caused her to feel guilty for months. She had known the minute she had said it, even the minute before she said it, when her brain thought it, that it wasn't fair; it wasn't right to blame Luke.

Luke knows she says things she doesn't mean, but Lorelai doesn't think he realizes that she always tries to make them better.

After she had cursed at him about Jess, and he had stormed away, Lorelai had nearly puked. She had never really had a lot of friends, never had a lot of people she trusted. She knew all about how friendships change, knew that after people realized she was pregnant, they distanced themselves from her. She knew that friendships altered and personalities hardened, and she knew that the conversation she just had with Luke might be an ending.

She tried to ignore it for a little while, because, after all, denial was her coping mechanism, but when she realized Jess is gone, she went home that night, and cried. She muffled the sound with her pillow, and then, afraid that Rory would hear her and come upstairs, she stuffed blankets at the crack at the bottom of her closed door.

Lorelai paces that same room now, actually hoping Rory comes home soon and comes upstairs to see what's wrong. She wants to talk to Rory, because she needs some reassurance that she's not a terrible person. Maybe she's wrong, maybe Luke hadn't kept April from her out of some misguided attempt at denial, maybe he was just sick of her. Maybe one of her angry freak-outs had been too much.

He doesn't know that she wrote a dozen and a half letters to Jess, after the car accident, sometimes begging him to come back and sometimes just apologizing, because she was sorry, she was so goddamn sorry that she made Luke choose. She never sent the letters, partially because she didn't have an address, and partially because she was a coward.

Even after they started dating, Lorelai never told Luke that. It would've seemed silly and years too late, and it would've just reminded him that Lorelai had screamed horrible things at him. She had made him choose between family and her and Rory, and he had chosen them, but _maybe _he regretted it.

Maybe he regretted it, even to this day, even though Jess came back, because if Lorelai knows Jess, and she thinks she does - they were always so alike - he probably never trusted Luke after that. Because even if it's true that Jess wanted to go, he probably knew that Luke wanted him to go too.

Lorelai needs to tell Rory the whole story about the things she said to Luke that night. Rory doesn't know the story; Lorelai had never been able to tell her. But now Lorelai needs Rory to know, because if Rory knows and doesn't hate her, then maybe Lorelai's anger didn't cause a deep-seeded resentment with Luke.

Lorelai's thinking herself in circles. She's thinking so much that it takes her a minute to realize that the car accident was ages ago and probably has nothing to do with Luke keeping April from her. He had forgiven her ages ago, started dating her in spite of her _"Go to hell!"_

Luke probably doesn't realize how much Lorelai would give to take back every angry thing she's ever said to him, even though they're all long forgotten. He probably thinks she's seething over here, probably thinks she's planning to key his truck or something. Lorelai _does _think about it, for a moment or two, but decides that they're even now.

And this time, she promises herself, she won't make him choose.

**.bargaining.**

Lorelai stops pacing and lays down. She has a plan now, that's good. She'll be calm and understanding and not jealous of Luke's daughter - because April is twelve, and it's ridiculous to be jealous of a child, and April is his daughter, and if she were psycho enough to make him choose, she probably wouldn't like his choice.

Lorelai doesn't want this relationship to end. She's been here before, at the milestone of a relationship, and she knows this spot. She knows that one wrong turn could mean the end of them.

Luke scares her sometimes, because he looks at her like she is a perfect piece of art in one of those museums she always hated. A piece of art that's never damaged, that's so well thought out.

She's not art though, and she's certainly not perfect, and Luke's looks of adoration _scare _her. Because she's never fallen in love before, not really, so this is all new for her, newer than it is for Luke, who had been madly pining for Rachel for years.

Lorelai has loved before, but she's never fallen; she's always been pushed, and Luke just doesn't realize that he's the first man she's ever really fallen for.

With everyone else, she's been pushed, shoved, and drug all the way, and sometimes, as she collapsed into dead weight and pulled on her surroundings, trying to make everything stop moving, she had been in love, but it had never been by choice.

There had been society's expectations with Christopher, even before Rory's conception. And sometimes it had been beautiful and real, but most of the time it hadn't been. The same with Max. He had loved her, and Lorelai had _tried _to love him, but for the most part, it was realizing that she was getting older and Rory liked Max so much, and he was such a wonderful man, and people _expected _them to get engaged. Even Jason, the guy no one really wanted Lorelai to be with - she had even been pushed into that relationship. Because she was flighty, impulsive Lorelai Gilmore, and even though everyone frowned when she started dating him, everyone had expected her to date him the whole time.

Lorelai had thought Luke was different though. She had spent years debating with herself, realizing that she was giving up a possible relationship, so that his and Rory's relationship would always be secure, and so that he would always be her friend. She had bargained with herself, and ended up alone for so long.

Then he had danced with her, and she thought she had fallen.

Lorelai stares at her bedroom ceiling and realizes she is a fool. It had never been her own choice. The town had expected it the whole time, had even made her feel guilty about not dating him, about stringing him along - which was ridiculous, because he had never asked her out before the wedding, had even gone and gotten married on a stupid cruise.

Lorelai thought she had been playing a good balancing game, giving up happiness to have security, and then being very careful when she had started the relationship. She had been bargaining her whole life, denying herself things she wanted. She had kept men out of here, because giving up that had given her and her daughter their own sanctuary. She had gotten to keep Rory's comfort and happiness, but given up the possibility of a relationship with Luke.

She had promised Luke she wouldn't keep secrets from him, and she had thought she was giving up her right to secrets, breaking down her walls, in exchange for a better relationship.

It scares Lorelai, when she realizes that by this point, she's been willing to give up so many things for Luke - and not asked for anything but him (_them_) in return.

**.depression.**

In the time since their first breakup, Lorelai had never told Luke how much she had cried those first few days. She figures he knows, since he got her babbly, teary phone message, but even if he knows how badly she reacted, he probably doesn't _know._

She had nearly forgotten how heartbroken she was herself, but she's remembering now, because now, the tears are welling up in her eyes. She thinks she and Luke may be over, and she thinks that if that's true, she may lay in bed for the next few days and just eat ice cream and wallow. Because wallowing, even though it didn't work last time and certainly won't work now, is the only thing she knows.

She's cried so much these last few months, but barely in front of Luke. In fact, he probably thought there was something wrong with her - because he probably expected her to be more depressed. She put on her brave face though, and told herself that making jokes and going on as normal was the only way to not break down. Rory would come back eventually, after all. (And after all, she did.)

He doesn't know about the nights she spent sleeping in Rory's room. He doesn't know that Lorelai is broken from the falling out, even now when it's resolved. She cries sometimes and has dreams, strange dreams where Rory is wearing Emily's clothes, lecturing Lorelai about how a child needs a mother and a father.

Lorelai's always been afraid of failing Rory, even before she really did, when Rory dropped out of Yale. There were times, back in their potting-shed days, when they didn't have enough money; even without having to pay rent, money was just so tight.

One year, Lorelai knew she couldn't afford to get Rory any Christmas presents, and she cried herself to sleep for days, before Mia offered her a Christmas bonus. (Then, she cried because she knew she hadn't earned it, and she was just someone's charity case. She cried because she knew that, and she _still_ took the money.)

Luke looks at her like she's perfect, but Lorelai can break. She breaks all the time, and she thinks, dully, that she may be breaking a little bit right now.

She understands that he was probably afraid to tell her about April, probably afraid to speak it out loud, maybe even a little resentful of her for some old transgression. But still, what does it say about their relationship that he didn't tell her about April?

**.acceptance. **

Rory will be getting home soon. Lorelai's not sure what she's going to say to her now. She wishes she could rant and rave to Rory, but she doesn't want to destroy Rory's perception of Luke. Lorelai doesn't want to destroy… anything.

She thinks they've both made mistakes. Lorelai's done the same thing to him, kept herself hidden behind this brick wall, so he couldn't see how breakable she was. She wouldn't let him help with the Rory situation, and even though Lorelai knows she was right not to let him interfere, she thinks maybe she hurt him a little bit then.

It's not really Luke's fault that he knows so little about her, even though Lorelai wishes he could look at her, and just… _know. _

Lorelai's realized something about herself now, and she's not sure if it's new or if it's been in her ever since the strip turned pink. She realizes she's afraid to be seen.

Lorelai jokes and talks a million words a minute, but she's afraid for people to realize why she is who she is. She's afraid that once they know her, like society knew her, that they'll chew her up and spit her out.

Lorelai doesn't want Luke to hate her, but she also doesn't want to lose herself anymore. It would be easy to be complacent about this situation, but she needs to take the strength from her potting shed days and try it on again for size. She needs to let him know that this is not okay, and she needs to let him know that she's going to be here for good.

At the same time - she needs to stop trying so hard. Everything she's done in this relationship has been about appearances and duties and about wanting it to work so badly. She needs to take a deep breath and stop being the girl posing for a family portrait.

Lorelai needs to let her hair down and step outside the mansion that she grew up in, the one she realizes now that she never left behind completely. She needs to run outside with her hair flying behind her, and look just like she did in her favorite photograph from Rory's seventh birthday party.

Rory and she are in old clothes. Rory's friends are in the background, watching, but she and Rory are fearlessly, shamelessly, running through the sprinkler. They are not worried about their clothes or their now-soaked through sneakers or the people watching.

It's Lorelai's favorite picture, because it's not posed or forced.

It's running away from home because it's the right thing to do. It's dressing in Renaissance clothes for a date, not-date, _is it a date? _with Luke. It's smiling, not because she's supposed to, but because she wants to. It's all the good times Lorelai's trying to regain, now that Rory's back in her life.

It's loving Luke, because in spite of all the bad and maybe even because of it, Lorelai loves him so much.

It's Lorelai's favorite, because the picture, like the best times in her life, is completely candid.


End file.
